Digital Digressions

A monster New Year!

This little thing found its way to my inbox and what a lovely surprise indeed - reminds me I need to draw more and stop spending life tapping on a computer keyboard! Happy New Year to all courtesy of the continuously digressing crew and Stefan Bucher, creator of The Daily Monster website.

An Engineer Calculates Santa's Trip

This just made me laugh - a surprise from prof. Margaret Boden, an eminent authority on creativity and cognitive science I had the pleasure of meeting recently - decided I sounded too snowed under with work so sent me this - at least I can confirm that compared to Santa - I'm having it easy..

Ever wondered about the science behind the superhuman effort of Santa and his flying reindeer delivering presents all over the world in one night? What are the numbers behind this annual feat pulled off by our most beloved icon of the Holiday season? Wonder no longer as science has come to the rescue, calculating just what it takes to accomplish this task - you will come to respect that bearded man in a red, fur-lined coat with a posse of reindeer in a completely new way!

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. But it is estimated that there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. But since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
4. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
5. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull ten times the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
6. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy, per second,.each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity.
7. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Cake or Death?

This is the standard question at the beginning of meetings in the cake-eating capital of Europe, Denmark - where cake eating has been elevated to an intrinsic part of any get-together.. I'm joking of course, but this wonderful rendition of Eddie Izzard's sketch about the fact that extremism and the Church of England really don't go together very well at all and if it did - it would be a question of cake or death!

Great Moments in History Captured in LEGO

Mike Stimpson has been using LEGO to re-create some classic photographs. On the BBC site is a small selection of his work. One of my favourites is this one, Marc Riboud's 1967 photograph of an anti-Vietnam protest in Washington, with a cheeky Star Wars spin to it.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/shared/spl/hi/pop_ups/08/in_pictures_inspired_by_classic_photographs/html/1.stm

To see more of Mike Stimpson’s work go to: www.flickr.com/photos/balakov/

The Apprentice in LEGO by the Boleg Brothers

So now we know - Lee McQueen is the next apprentice and clearly no amount of fibbing on your CV or pterodactyl impressions is enough to dissuade Sir Alan that he is a worthy candidate. I do wonder how much we actually learn about the nature of business through shows like this and does seeing it on telly make it acceptable is the next question? Obviously values like honesty, integrity, pulling your weight, treating your customers with respect and the list goes on.. these are all redundant attributes in an apprentice?

Oh well, perhaps it's not worth getting too serious about the implications of this show that frequently has made me cringe over the last 12 weeks - it is actually best enjoyed as a comedy, with minifigures (or LEGO people) as highlighted by the Boleg Brothers. (not anything to with LEGO the company - just some good fun!)

http://www.bolegbros.co.uk/home.asp

http://www.bolegbros.co.uk/latest07.html

Helmets aren't just for Astronauts.

Nick Larsen, the man behind the uber-cool Charge Bikes and the Charge Plug fixie I keep staring at longingly whenever I see one, just sent me this great video explaining the importance of wearing a helmet when cycling. I couldn't agree more as my run-ins with squirrels and most recently a car (!) are ample testament to the fact that helmets do work, they save your precious noodle and if you do bang your head, rather the helmet take the impact than your brain. We can get new teeth, new arms, skin will heal and bones will mend, but brains are harder to fix and since we only have one it's worth looking after as the kids in this video explain -

The Business Jargon Buster

Back from my lengthy travels this week I picked up the Economist's The World in 2008 again, a report I always look forward to reading as it is diverse in points of view and always packed with insight, in addition to being spiced up with the occasional slice of current affair humour thrown in for good measure.

Andrew Palmer's The Good Jargon guide is an excellent example of just such an article - close enough to remind all of us of the buzzwords we use, but witty enough to make us laugh at ourselves too. Some of my favourite witticisms from this articles is the references to globalisation. First everything was supposed to become the same (Coca-colonisation), then local differences made all the difference (localisation). Now some things are the same and others different (glocalisation) and because of Thomas Friedman's bestseller we are even debating 2D vs 3D - is the world flat or spiky? It will appear insightful in a business meeting to state that the world is round - but a 10-year old could have told you that.

Also the references to emerging markets by acronym means Brazil, Russia, India and China are a BRIC, China and India are Chindia and my favourite, Palmer is rooting for Spain and Latin America to be referred to collectively as SPLAT, I love it. Furthermore it's not about making heads or tails about stuff no more - instead it's the size of your tail that matters, apparently. The Long Tail is of course the theory of how niche audiences can be catered for through all of us being increasingly connected on-line and thus coupling supply and demand is easier than ever before. The thinking is that lots of niche products are more important than a few blockbusters, but then we have Fat and Heavy Tails where extreme events occur more frequently than theory predicts, but if you do away with tails altogether and go for a Black Swan, you are into territory that is wholly unexpected.

I also totally agree with the point of labelling anything 2.0 - yes we've heard about web 2.0, but do we really need books like The World is Flat 3.0, (making you think of infinite software upgrades where there's no discernible difference, but somehow you still have to pay for it) Lunch 2.0 (Silicon Valley canteens serving free lunches) or Government 2.0 (where citizens become more involved) - seems like we are creating a whole league of BS 2.0 too? Or what about Greenwash - the environmental version of whitewash, or forgetting marketing campaigns and going for 'poking' people instead. It's a ridiculous world out there and somehow we need to describe all these ideas, but it appears that there is an entire industry devoted to dreaming up silly names for things, massclusivity anyone?

The Death Star Canteen

Just en route to the States I came across this sent to me by both Alex Nisbett and Tracy Suff on Facebook so I owe you both for cheering me up in the midst of airport security, online check-in and bag-drops (here we come!!).. Imagine Darth Vader in the Death Star.. going down for some food..

For those of you who aren't familiar with the comedian doing the voice-over: check out Eddie Izzard and your world will never be the same!

Priceless comedy for a Monday

Many thanks to Mark over at Herd for reminding me of some of the classics in LEGO stop frame animation. These two were created by the chaps at Spiteyourface.com where you can find plenty more of their handywork.

How to Justify Something You Really Want

Now, if there ever was one line that epitomised the Western consumer culture it has to be the title to this post. It's not that we just consume mindlessly anything and everything that will make us look/seem/feel faster, smarter, sexier, thinner, happier, more fashionable, richer (whatever your aspiration: insert here) it is how brilliant we have become at justifying the expense to others and thus ourselves.

The marketing and advertising industry is largely to thank here in the way that they so ingeniously operate a two-pronged attack: first: highlight inadequacy in your target, second: propose to solve the problem with an attractive product/solution - you are doing them a favour, really! In the olden days, people were of course more gullible in some respects, but at least consumption hadn't become the entire raison d'etre of society back then. We still worried about God, wars, famine, death at childbirth, dangerous diseases and so on. Not to say these things don't occur nowadays, but as a society we have transplanted these collective worries with individual worries about success, keeping up with the Joneses, wealth and so on. The idea that some environmental catastrophe out of our control or event on a global scale could instantly render us completely powerless and deprive us of all the things we have worked so hard to achieve is frankly, beyond most of us. We can't really imagine what life is like for those who have just lost their life possessions in a Tsunami or Hurricane - or suddenly been bombed out of our homes by some mighty power, claiming to be fighting to 'free' us from something.

So having been experts in survival (we must be as this can be a hostile planet!) we have become experts in consumption as that is now the goal of much of our lives here - in fact we are told our entire societies depend on it. Politicians ponder about the economy and when there is a slow-down in high-street sales apparently the whole country is going to hell in a hand-basket and the only way to 'save' the life we hold so dear is to go out and buy, buy, buy to make the money (and thus the world) go around. Isn't it marvellous? No longer is it about being a good, ethical, god-fearing citizen that will earn you praise - it is how much you are doing to keep the economy afloat at large. Thus some parts of society argue about the damages to the environment done by too much car use and big SUVs and others argue over the economic impact of all those jobs being lost if we suddenly all decided to take up cycling and do away with all cars everywhere. The truth is that jobs and dependencies will build up around both sustainable and unsustainable business practises - but how much do we really care about the long term to be willing to face the pain in the short term when we adjust things?

So to conclude my ranting today I wanted to share with you a hilarious example of how to justify the purchase of something expensive or yet another example of something you already have (but better!) - in this example we are talking about bicycles, but it could just as easily be a new car, a motorcycle, another computer, game console whatever rocks your boat really (just tweak the justifications!). Here goes:

How to justify your next bike

By Elden "The Fat Cyclist" Nelson

A shiny new bike, yesterday (BikeRadar)

We cyclists are simple folk. We don't need much to keep us happy. Really, all we need are clear skies and a road or trail to make us happy.

And a helmet, of course. And gloves. And shorts with a special antimicrobial chamois insert. And form-fitting shirts. And very stiff-soled shoes, preferably Italian-made. And specialty sports drinks, with an incomprehensible combination of carbohydrates, proteins, electrolytes, and a lemon-lime flavoring that for some reason makes one think of furniture polish.

Oh, and we need bikes. More specifically, we need another bike. Always. And that means we need to pay for another bike.

Now, it's not the paying per se that's difficult. We can always find a way to get the money we need for bike stuff — take a second job, sell a kidney, money laundering, whatever.

What's difficult is justifying the expense of yet another bicycle, whether it be to our wives, our parents, or to our own nagging conscience.

Sometimes we fail in our justification, and then where are we? We're in the Purgatory of No New Bikes, that's where we are. That's a bad place. A bad, bad place. We should never have to be in that place.

And if you will follow these techniques, you will never be in that place again.

It will save money on gas

This may surprise you, but bikes can actually be used as transportation, and there are some people who — oddly enough — actually use their bikes to get around from place to place, instead of driving. Explain that with this new bike you will be saving serious transportation costs and doing your part for the environment.

Caveat: Do not explain that the new bike you're considering costs approximately the same as three years' worth of fuel, and most especially do not explain that any of the bikes you already have would work as transportation, too. If brought up as a counterargument, explain — dismissively — that your other bikes aren't really for that kind of thing.

It's less expensive than a humongous HDTV

This will take a little bit of preparation, but is well worth it. For about three weeks, don't mention the new bike you want. At all. Instead, with increasing intensity and frequency, begin talking about how you're thinking about getting a giant high-def television. And a Blu-Ray DVD player. And a subscription to high-def cable/satellite (or both!). And a serious sound system to go with it. Be very, very open about how much this will cost — about three times as much as the bike you want.

Argue convincingly (not too convincingly, though) and loudly about why you ought to get this massive entertainment system.

About the time your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/parent is at wit's end, capitulate. Right in the middle of an argument, act like a light's just come on in your head. "You know, you're right!" you say, catching them off-guard. "It's outrageously expensive and it would just rot my brain, especially when a new bike would cost me less than half as much!"

They'll be so relieved — not to mention pleased at having clearly won an argument with you — they'll just let that remark go. Next day, you come home with the new bike, as the two of you agreed.

Bonus: It's possible this technique will backfire on you and your significant other will really get into the idea of buying a home theatre system. That's the beauty of this technique: even if you lose, you win!

You Will Easily Recoup the Cost of This Bike in Prize Money

Did you know there's big money in bike racing? There is! Just ask Lance Armstrong; he's made a very comfortable living by racing his bicycle.

Do you think Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France seven times riding a piece of crap like the one you ride? No, he most certainly did not.

If you're going to start winning races and making millions of dollars like Lance, you're going to need a better bike.

The prize money will follow naturally.

This bike will hardly cost anything after the trade-in

Thinking of trading in an old bike for the new one? Excellent. You'll want to get out your soft math skills for this technique.

First, find out the suggested retail for the new bike you want. Reduce that figure by 25%, because nobody pays MSRP for anything these days. Then take another 10% off because you're friends with a guy at the shop. Take another 5% off because you're a sharp negotiator. Tell your significant other that's how much your new bike will cost.

Next, estimate how much your current bike is actually worth. Add 10% to that, because I can tell you've taken really good care of your bike. Add 5% because I think you're just being too modest. Then add 15% to that figure because you want some negotiating room. Tell your significant other that's how much you'll be selling your old bike for.

If you're any good at all with creative math, you should actually be able to make a case that you may well be pocketing some money when all is said and done.

Note: When it turns out that the actual cost of the new bike is much higher — and the amount you sell the old bike for is lower — than you expect, I highly recommend shrugging and blaming taxes, shipping, and the fees the online site charged. "Man, everyone wants a slice," you can say, resignedly.

This bike is the bike to end all bikes

I fully admit that this approach is dangerous, but desperate times call for desperate measures, as I think all of us who have ever had a carbon fiber jones can attest.

"I know I have a lot of bikes already," you should say (it's good to start with a true statement, because that fools people into thinking other things you say may also be true). "This one, though, is different. It fits me unlike any bike ever made. It will never break. It is both beautiful and functional. It weighs 2.3Kg, fully loaded."

Continue with, "This is the ultimate expression of a bicycle. I shall never need another."

Look her/him right in the eyes as you conclude, "Hey, it's not like I'm talking about buying a Ferrari here, but how often in my life will I have a chance to own something that is truly perfect?" (Note: Do not say this if you own a Ferrari.) Try to mist up a little as you say this. It adds impact.

Warning: Do not use this technique more than twice per year.

Elden Nelson blogs most weekdays as The Fat Cyclist, where he posts fake news, fake ideas, and delicious ways you can combine bananas, peanut butter, and mayonnaise.

This article found at Bikeradar

Robots on Candid Camera

Ever wondered just how much havoc you could cause by rigging up a robot in a shopping mall with a shouting challenge? This brilliant 'you've been framed' is simply hilarious.

Or how about trying to guard a bowl of sweets in a Supermarket - harder than selling ice cream to eskimos? Another hilarious candid camera feast with some finger-licking fun :)

The Flying Spaghetti Monster and other deities

Is it me or is that every time you turn on the TV these days, you never get further than a few sentences into a news broadcast and they start talking about religion? Whether it is the fanatic variety, which apparently goes better with bombs, or the creationism variety, where we are invited to part company with science and common sense and embrace the Lord, our saviour and believe the world truly was made in six days.

Even a Vatican astronomer has decided to chime in and claim that believing that God created the world in six days is a kind of superstitious paganism, much to the discontent of numerous reddit.com readers, who express their varying views with much alacrity. What takes the price for me is Bobby Henderson's   deliberate parody of all things religious, by going that one step further and creating a religion of his very own, with the head deity being the famous Flying Spaghetti Monster. This all started as a very inventive way to protest against the Kansas School Board's decision to teach Intelligent Design in schools. Below is a quote from the open letter Bobby began circulating:

I am writing you with much concern after having read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design should be taught along with the theory of Evolution. I think we can all agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am concerned, however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent    Design.

Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.

It is for this reason that I’m writing you today, to formally request that this alternative theory be taught in your schools, along with the other two theories. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do this, we will be forced to proceed with legal action. I’m sure you see where we are coming from. If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith.

Albeit Bobby clearly has command of both wit and intelligence (as also shown by a graph posted on his website where he claims there is an inversely proportional relationship between global warming and the number of pirates, thus reminding us all that diagrams and statistics are an clever way to create relationships between things that have apparently no relationship with each other until brought together on a graph:

What does worry me with all this clever mincing of words is, does the message get through? I mean, for those who genuinely believe in Intelligent Design, no scientific fact or evidence seem to be enough to convince them otherwise - will complete parody work instead? Or do people continue to fail in seeing the very obvious link to what they are doing and these more hilarious unfounded beliefs as proclaimed by Mr. Henderson? 

Why Monsters Rock

Yesterday was the day of the 51st Eurovision Song Contest. It is one of the most watched television programs in the world that pits pop groups from all over Europe and the Middle East against one another, with the winner decided by popular vote by more than 600 million viewers.

Yesterday was also a pivotal day for Europe for two reasons. Firstly, the country almost infamous for its inability to produce a decent entry to the Eurovision Song Contest, Finland, swept to victory. Secondly, the winning entry was a heavy-metal number, performed by a cast of monsters accompanied by pyrotechnics, more at home in a Lord of the Rings movie than the institutionalised, mostly turgid euro-pop contest. Yesterday was thus a triumph of humour, great entertainment free from political quagmire and a rebellion against the predictable, boring pop-entries that have become to signify what the Eurovision Song Contest means to the average European.

What is amusing in all this is that Lordi's rise to victory in the contest was by no means simple or straight-forward. As you know, individual countries have to organise a contest to select their entry. Finland have for two years not had an entry at all, either because the Eurovision Song Contest has become by all standards very formulaic and nobody could be bothered to be creative within the bounds given, or because we simply had had enough of the political vote that meant we nearly always ended up with very few points, or sadly because the entries we did produce did indeed feature some Finnish folk singer that had zero entertainment value and was thus voted out in the European semifinals.

So come the national semifinals, Lordi - the band with eight-foot retractable latex Satan wings, who sing hits like "Chainsaw Buffet" and blow up slabs of smoking meat on stage, did expect a reaction when they beat a crooner of love ballads to represent Finland at the Eurovision song contest in Athens, the competition that was the springboard for Abba and Celine Dion. But the heavy-metal monster band did not imagine a national identity crisis.

First, Finnish religious leaders warned that the Freddy Krueger look-alikes could inspire Satanic worship. Then critics called for President Tarja Halonen to use her constitutional powers to veto the band and nominate a traditional Finnish folk singer instead. Rumors even circulated that Lordi members were agents sent by President Vladimir V. Putin to destabilize Finland before a Russian coup — an explanation for their refusal to take off their freakish masks in public. The fury also spread in Greece, winner of last year's Eurovision and therefore the host of this year's contest, where an anti-Lordi movement called Hellenes urged the Finnish government "to say 'no' to this evil group."

The lead singer, Lordi — a former film student who goes by his real name, Tomi Putaansuu, when not wielding a blood-spurting electric chain saw — is philosophical about the uproar.

The affair, Mr. Putaansuu says, has exposed the insecurity of a young country whose peculiar language is spoken by only six million people worldwide and whose sense of identity has been dented by being part of the Swedish kingdom and the Russian empire until gaining independence in 1917. Most Finns, he adds, would rather be known for Santa Claus than heavily made-up monster mutants.

"In Finland, we have no Eiffel Tower, few real famous artists, it is freezing cold and we suffer from low self-esteem," said Mr. Putaansuu, who, as Lordi, has horns protruding from his forehead and sports long black fingernails.

As he stuck out his tongue menacingly, his red demon eyes glaring, Lordi was surrounded by Kita, an alien-man-beast predator who plays flame-spitting drums inside a cage; Awa, a blood-splattered ghost who howls backup vocals; Ox, a zombie bull who plays bass; and Amen, a mummy in a rubber loincloth who plays guitar.

Dragging on a cigarette, Mr. Putaansuu added, "Finns nearly choked on their cereal when they realized we were the face Finland would be showing to the world." NY Times Article

It is not the first time the contest, which began in 1956, has spawned discontent. Last year's Ukrainian entry song was rewritten after being deemed too political by government officials in Kiev because it celebrated the Orange Revolution. When Dana International, an Israeli transsexual, won in 1998 with her hit song "Diva," rabbis accused her of flouting the values of the Jewish state.

But not everyone in this Nordic country of five million views the monster squad as un-Finnish. On the eve of the vote, fans in ghoulish monster outfits held Lordi parties from Helsinki to Lapland and sent text messages urging everyone from grandmothers to young metal heads to "Change the face of Finland!" Lordi won the right to go to Athens with its Kiss-inspired anthem "Hard Rock Hallelujah" and its lyrics, "Wings on my back/I got horns on my head/my fangs are sharp/and my eyes are red."

Under their masks, the band members are quintessential Finns. Awa, the ghost, is a soft-spoken blond who wears glasses and studied classical music. Even Mr. Putaansuu, who wears a black leather jacket when not sporting serpent lapels, says his music is closer to gospel than Satan. After all, one of the band's hit songs is "The Devil Is a Loser."

"Even if we lose the contest, we have already won," Mr. Putaansuu said. "Many Finns would rather have sent someone boring and acceptable than to be represented by freaks like us."

This entire event makes me think of those moments in history when music got pitted between generations - the young generation championing a musical movement, which was derided by the older generation as 'degenerating, foul, akin to devil-worship (this is not a new accusation by the way!) and completely un-musical'. The last time this happened was with the advent of Punk rock, before that it was the Beatles, who with their unkempt hair and ballads were clearly putting 'ideas' in the minds of the youth, and even before them, Elvis, the king of crooners, caused controversy with his suspect dancing on stage with was commonly deemed as 'pornographic' and 'un-suitable for young ladies'.

Where we are now, the 21st century - a melting pot of trends, fashion, musical genres, culture, you name it - everything today exists in parallel and very few musical phenomenons have the power to rise above this noise and truly create controversy anymore. Think about it for a second, if Lordi had merely turned up to sing 'Hard Rock Hallelujah', looking like any average heavy metal band, I don't think they would have cut the mustard.

Lithuania tried to be tongue-in-cheek by turning up with a song simply titled 'We are the winners' and promptly spent their 3 minutes shouting in a football-anthem style that people should vote for them. Inspired, but not good enough. The fact that Lordi turned up, not only with a heavy-metal entry (in itself a revolution as I believe there has never been such a thing performed at the Eurovision Song Contest), but also having gone all the 9 yards by kitting themselves out in full monster-makeup and dress just made the entry rise beyond anything ever seen.

Why I can't in all honesty get all threatened or worried about this, is because it is so tongue-in-cheek and fun - they sing about 'the day of Rockening' for goodness sake. It is truly an experience to watch them perform and I can't get over how cool the make-up is - the guys look fantastic! To me this is a triumph of humour, challenging the norms of what a song is and what a performance or a band is - it blends cinematic visuals with real-life and brings the fan-movies (where movie buffs take Star Wars or any other movie and use the characters, clever editing and select new scenes to take the mickey of the story-line or invent new ones) to a live performance and ultimately - as we all voted : to be the coolest Eurovision Song Contest victory I have ever seen! Rock on!

Lordi's Homepage

Life Observations in a nutshell: Best Bumper Stickers Part II

One of the most popular posts of this blog was my definitive list of favourite bumper stickers I did a while ago See Post. Since then I have come across some more treasures, many submitted by your good selves, dear readers. So thank you to all who have commented and sent me emails – here's to you all: part II of best bumper stickers:

On career and success:

• A bad day of fishing beats a good day of working.
• A bad day of golf beats a good day of working.
• A boss is like a diaper. Always on your ass and constantly full of crap.
• A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
• A sense of humour is the difference between ambition and achievement.
• Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.
• All I need is some peace and quiet. If I got a piece I'd be quiet!
• All stressed out and no one to choke.
• Always put the important before the merely urgent.
• Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.
• An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less.
• Another Deadline, Another Miracle!
• Behind every successful woman is herself.
• Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
• Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
• Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
• Even Jesus lived with his mother until he was 30.
• Everyone is entitled to my opinion
• Everyone makes mistakes, that why pencil have erasers
• Everything I know, I learnt by killing smart people and eating their brains.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• Hire teenagers while they still know everything!
• Honesty pays, but not enough
• Housework is evil, it must be stopped.
• I'll do anything for money, except work.
• I fight poverty, I work
• I have a drink problem - I can't afford it.
• I have yet to hear a MAN ask for advice on how to combine marriage and career.
• I love my boss, I love my job, I'm self employed
• I owe it all to my boss - Ulcers, nausea, paranoia...
• I respect your opinion. Just don't want to hear it!
• I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
• If all else fails .. lower your standards
• If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
• If at first you don't succeed, aim lower.
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you
• If crime fighters fight crime, and fire fighters fight fire, then what do freedom fighters fight?
• If first you don't succeed, suck and suck until you do succeed.
• If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
• It's an Honor to teach my Student at home
• It's hard to stumble when you're on your knees.
• It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere!
• It never fails! You start having fun, and they send in the lawyers.
• Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honour, make him pay cash.
• Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch!
• Money isn't everything. It simply isn't enough!
• MONEY TALKS! But all mine ever says is GOODBYE!
• Money wouldn't be so important if everybody didn't want some
• My daughter turned down your honour student!
• My job drives me to drink. If it wasn't for that, I'D QUIT!
• My job is secure. No one else wants it.
• My Job is to Comfort the Disturbed & Disturb the Comfortable
• My parents think I'm in college
• Never argue with an idiot, they drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
• Plunder globally. Manage media locally.
• Professionals are predictable. Amateurs are Dangerous!
• Question Authority before it Questions You!
• Rest assured that all your hard work and effort will go unnoticed.
• Sado-masochism means not having to say you're sorry.
• Some days it's just not worth gnawing through the straps
• Summa cum laude graduate, Darth Vader School of Personnel Management
• Support a lawyer. Become a doctor.
• Support bacteria! It's the only culture some people have.
• The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
• The urge to scream tells me I must be at work
• Well behaved women rarely make history.
• When all else fails, manipulate the data!
• Where there's a whip, there's a way.
• Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
• Work is for people who don't know how to golf.
• Work is for people who don't surf the net!
• Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.
• You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

On Government & Politics:

• A politician should do two terms - one in office and one in jail
• A Woman's Place is in the House... and Senate!
• An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.
• Annoy a liberal. Work hard and smile.
• Annoy a politician today. THINK!
• Balance the budget. Declare politicians as game and sell hunting stamps.
• Bomb Texas. They have oil!
• Born free. Taxed to death!
• Bush & Cheney - Kiss My Ashcroft !
• Can you think on your own, or do you need the media to think for you?
• Don't be stupid. We have politicians for that!
• Don't Re-Elect a Son of A Bush!
• Don't steal. The government hates competition!
• Empty the prisons - Make room for Congress.
• Fight organised crime. Abolish the IRS.
• Fighting for Peace is like f*cking for virginity
• Grow your own dope! Plant a politician!
• I'm Too Poor to Vote Republican
• I love my country, but I fear my government
• If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
• If Democrats and Republicans could read they would be Libertarians.
• If You're Not Outraged, You're Not Paying Attention
• Inside every small problem is a big one trying to get government funding.
• Is it too late to get the Russians to nuke Washington?
• The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected.
• Support Capitol Punishment, Flog a Politician Today!
• Satan for President - Why pick the lesser of two Evils?
• Re-elect Bush: I'm tired of waiting for the Apocalypse.
• Put politicians in their place – Landfills!
• Nothing political is correct.
• Ignore your rights and they'll go away!

If Microsoft Designed the Ipod Packaging..

Now here's something very funny... imagine what would happen if Microsoft did Ipods or designed the packaging for that matter? Scary thought, but no need to wonder - have a look at this video, kindly sent to me by Edith Ackermann - a trusted friend and source of much inspiration. Thank you!

 

As we are on the theme of bashing Microsoft and PCs... if you haven't yet seen the hilarious new ads by Apple, you simply must:

New Mac Ads at Apple.com

Things that Make You Go Hmmm..?

Kids can ask some pretty great questions, and those we can't answer end up in stand-up comedy quips. Other quips are simply funny observations on life, like that list of Bumper Stickers I did recently. Here are some of my favourite comedy quips though:

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?    

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?   

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?   

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?       

What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea. . Does that mean that one enjoys it?       

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?       

More from where that came from

The Life Philosophies of Homer (Simpson)

I'll make a confession - I like the Simpsons a lot. Not such much because they are yellow and strange looking, but because the humour is great. For that same reason I absolutely adore Futurama, because it appeals to my subversive side and my desire to jibe at society in general. As you may have gathered I have a tendency to over-intellectualise most things and thus, the humour of the Simpsons is a good counter-balance to help me not get too carried away. In fact, there are some great pearls of life wisdom hidden in all those episodes. Below are some of my absolute favourites:

• Ah, beer. The cause of and the solution to all of life's problems.
• Who are you? Why am I here? I want answers now or I want them eventually!
• Because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything!
• That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
• America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well...all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!
• It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
• English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England!
• You're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!
• You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.
• think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!
• Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie, and one to listen.
• Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!
• You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
• Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Like this Bible. It cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.
• God bless those pagans.
• Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night!
• If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!
• I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.
• Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that.
• You know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.
• Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster's dictionary describes a wedding as the process of removing weeds from one's garden.
• I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!
• Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-Tip!

Some more Homer classics

How to be Hip With Kids

There we are, as you may have gathered I am over the hill - rapidly approaching my 31st birthday which, according to the EU legislation, means I have been officially classified as 'middle-aged' since I was 28. Depressing thought, but as my job is to design toys for kids I have a great excuse never to grow up - which makes it all the harder to think about becoming 'mum' one day. Somebody calling you that sure puts things in perspective, so post-poning that life changing experience at least for now.

What's funny is the way we get progressively more unable to understand how kids speak, (or abbreviate words when txting - l8er allig8or)... the older we get and furthermore if we try to do it ourselves (to appear with the times and less embarrassing to the kids we are speaking/txting to) we ourselves feel uncomfortable and embarrassed. Similar feeling as when being under-aged and trying to sneak into a pub, fearing detection all the time..

Tricky situation, and sooner or later you will receive a nifty teen word texted to your phone, which will have you showing it around in the office in an effort to decipher what it may be an abbreviation of. So I don't try anymore, just need to refer to the great AOLer Translator to turn any comprehensible text I write into hip net-savvy txtspeak and appear cool with the kids. To be entirely honest - I don't, they can put up with dinosaur me who doesn't GET IT, but tries anyway - nevertheless, this site is still excellent.

Here's an excerpt of what I wrote in the translator:

My text (hey I had to think of something!): Hello dear Digital Digressions reader from sunny (for once!) England. It is Thursday, before a nice bank holiday weekend (bank holidays mean you can have Monday off without feeling guilty because the whole country does it!) and I can't wait. Planning to do very little, put in some decent rounds on the road bike, do little else and hopefully sit in the garden armed with several alcoholic beverages to keep me company..

The Translator: H3LO D3AR DIGITAL DIGRASIONS R3AEDR FROM SUNY (FOR ONC3)1!111! OMG LOL ANGLAND1!!!!111 OMG WTF IT IS THURSDAY BFORE A NIEC BANK HOLIDAY WEK3ND (BANK HOLIDAYS M3AN U CAN HAEV MONDAY OF WITHOUT FELNG GUILTY B/C TEH WHOLE COUNTRY DO3S IT)!1!!!!1 OMG WTF AND I CANT WATE1!111 OMG PLANNG 2 DO V3RY LITLE PUT IN SOME D3CENT ROUNDS ON TEH ROAD BIEK DO LITL3 3LSE AND HOPAFULY SIT IN DA GARDAN ARMAD WIT SAV3RAL O BVARAEGS 2 KEP ME COMPANY.!!!!!!!!1!1

Needless to say, I'm not sure the above 'hip' language is anything to aspire to... makes for some tedious reading in the long run...

How to be an English Bloke

As we are on the topic of gender issues today, and if you have read the post on the new book, Self Made Man below, you might need some humorous interlude to remind yourself that life as a man really isn't as bad as Norah Vincent makes it sound. More precisely, life as an English bloke is even better. Here's why:

1. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
2. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.
3. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".
4. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
5. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
6. CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
7. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
8. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. Seeya."
9. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
10. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
11. CALLING YOUR MATE A C_*T - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in hospital".
12. FARTING in public - you are a man, right? Better out than in then..

             

Cartoon Laws of Physics

A sign of growing old is the inability to appreciate cartoons. Cartoons are a way of thinking, a way of seeing the funny side in even the most mundane situations and also a way to take liberties with reality and make any story infinitely more amusing by adding some simple cartoon physics to the events. Of course school inevitably intervenes to try to educate us to forget Cartoon Laws of Physics, but if persistent effort is made, one may successfully keep Cartoon Laws of Physics in mind in addition to regular Physics and secure a happy outlook on life even into old age.

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Cartoon Law I

Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.

Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland.  He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down.  At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second takes over.

 

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Cartoon Law II

Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.

Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely.  Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.

 

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Cartoon Law III

Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.

Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole.  The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.

 

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Cartoon Law IV

The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.

 

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Cartoon Law V

All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface.  A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.  The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

 

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Cartoon Law VI

As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously.  This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled.  A `wacky' character has the option of self- replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

 

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Cartoon Law VII

Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.

This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space.  The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting.

This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

 

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Cartoon Law VIII

Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford.  They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed.  After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.

Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

 

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Cartoon Law IX

Everything falls faster than an anvil.

 

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Cartoon Law X

For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.

This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large.  For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.

 

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Cartoon Law Amendment A

A sharp object will always propel a character upward.

When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.

 

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Cartoon Law Amendment B

The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters.

Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will.  For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.

 

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Cartoon Law Amendment C

Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries.

They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.

 

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Cartoon Law Amendment D

Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths.

Their operation can be witnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop.  Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch.  As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to stretch.  As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.

 

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Cartoon Law Amendment E

Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which cartoon laws hold).

The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing.  Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit).  Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage.  One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding.  A big bang indeed.