How to Justify Something You Really Want

Now, if there ever was one line that epitomised the Western consumer culture it has to be the title to this post. It's not that we just consume mindlessly anything and everything that will make us look/seem/feel faster, smarter, sexier, thinner, happier, more fashionable, richer (whatever your aspiration: insert here) it is how brilliant we have become at justifying the expense to others and thus ourselves.

The marketing and advertising industry is largely to thank here in the way that they so ingeniously operate a two-pronged attack: first: highlight inadequacy in your target, second: propose to solve the problem with an attractive product/solution - you are doing them a favour, really! In the olden days, people were of course more gullible in some respects, but at least consumption hadn't become the entire raison d'etre of society back then. We still worried about God, wars, famine, death at childbirth, dangerous diseases and so on. Not to say these things don't occur nowadays, but as a society we have transplanted these collective worries with individual worries about success, keeping up with the Joneses, wealth and so on. The idea that some environmental catastrophe out of our control or event on a global scale could instantly render us completely powerless and deprive us of all the things we have worked so hard to achieve is frankly, beyond most of us. We can't really imagine what life is like for those who have just lost their life possessions in a Tsunami or Hurricane - or suddenly been bombed out of our homes by some mighty power, claiming to be fighting to 'free' us from something.

So having been experts in survival (we must be as this can be a hostile planet!) we have become experts in consumption as that is now the goal of much of our lives here - in fact we are told our entire societies depend on it. Politicians ponder about the economy and when there is a slow-down in high-street sales apparently the whole country is going to hell in a hand-basket and the only way to 'save' the life we hold so dear is to go out and buy, buy, buy to make the money (and thus the world) go around. Isn't it marvellous? No longer is it about being a good, ethical, god-fearing citizen that will earn you praise - it is how much you are doing to keep the economy afloat at large. Thus some parts of society argue about the damages to the environment done by too much car use and big SUVs and others argue over the economic impact of all those jobs being lost if we suddenly all decided to take up cycling and do away with all cars everywhere. The truth is that jobs and dependencies will build up around both sustainable and unsustainable business practises - but how much do we really care about the long term to be willing to face the pain in the short term when we adjust things?

So to conclude my ranting today I wanted to share with you a hilarious example of how to justify the purchase of something expensive or yet another example of something you already have (but better!) - in this example we are talking about bicycles, but it could just as easily be a new car, a motorcycle, another computer, game console whatever rocks your boat really (just tweak the justifications!). Here goes:

How to justify your next bike

By Elden "The Fat Cyclist" Nelson

A shiny new bike, yesterday (BikeRadar)

We cyclists are simple folk. We don't need much to keep us happy. Really, all we need are clear skies and a road or trail to make us happy.

And a helmet, of course. And gloves. And shorts with a special antimicrobial chamois insert. And form-fitting shirts. And very stiff-soled shoes, preferably Italian-made. And specialty sports drinks, with an incomprehensible combination of carbohydrates, proteins, electrolytes, and a lemon-lime flavoring that for some reason makes one think of furniture polish.

Oh, and we need bikes. More specifically, we need another bike. Always. And that means we need to pay for another bike.

Now, it's not the paying per se that's difficult. We can always find a way to get the money we need for bike stuff — take a second job, sell a kidney, money laundering, whatever.

What's difficult is justifying the expense of yet another bicycle, whether it be to our wives, our parents, or to our own nagging conscience.

Sometimes we fail in our justification, and then where are we? We're in the Purgatory of No New Bikes, that's where we are. That's a bad place. A bad, bad place. We should never have to be in that place.

And if you will follow these techniques, you will never be in that place again.

It will save money on gas

This may surprise you, but bikes can actually be used as transportation, and there are some people who — oddly enough — actually use their bikes to get around from place to place, instead of driving. Explain that with this new bike you will be saving serious transportation costs and doing your part for the environment.

Caveat: Do not explain that the new bike you're considering costs approximately the same as three years' worth of fuel, and most especially do not explain that any of the bikes you already have would work as transportation, too. If brought up as a counterargument, explain — dismissively — that your other bikes aren't really for that kind of thing.

It's less expensive than a humongous HDTV

This will take a little bit of preparation, but is well worth it. For about three weeks, don't mention the new bike you want. At all. Instead, with increasing intensity and frequency, begin talking about how you're thinking about getting a giant high-def television. And a Blu-Ray DVD player. And a subscription to high-def cable/satellite (or both!). And a serious sound system to go with it. Be very, very open about how much this will cost — about three times as much as the bike you want.

Argue convincingly (not too convincingly, though) and loudly about why you ought to get this massive entertainment system.

About the time your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/parent is at wit's end, capitulate. Right in the middle of an argument, act like a light's just come on in your head. "You know, you're right!" you say, catching them off-guard. "It's outrageously expensive and it would just rot my brain, especially when a new bike would cost me less than half as much!"

They'll be so relieved — not to mention pleased at having clearly won an argument with you — they'll just let that remark go. Next day, you come home with the new bike, as the two of you agreed.

Bonus: It's possible this technique will backfire on you and your significant other will really get into the idea of buying a home theatre system. That's the beauty of this technique: even if you lose, you win!

You Will Easily Recoup the Cost of This Bike in Prize Money

Did you know there's big money in bike racing? There is! Just ask Lance Armstrong; he's made a very comfortable living by racing his bicycle.

Do you think Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France seven times riding a piece of crap like the one you ride? No, he most certainly did not.

If you're going to start winning races and making millions of dollars like Lance, you're going to need a better bike.

The prize money will follow naturally.

This bike will hardly cost anything after the trade-in

Thinking of trading in an old bike for the new one? Excellent. You'll want to get out your soft math skills for this technique.

First, find out the suggested retail for the new bike you want. Reduce that figure by 25%, because nobody pays MSRP for anything these days. Then take another 10% off because you're friends with a guy at the shop. Take another 5% off because you're a sharp negotiator. Tell your significant other that's how much your new bike will cost.

Next, estimate how much your current bike is actually worth. Add 10% to that, because I can tell you've taken really good care of your bike. Add 5% because I think you're just being too modest. Then add 15% to that figure because you want some negotiating room. Tell your significant other that's how much you'll be selling your old bike for.

If you're any good at all with creative math, you should actually be able to make a case that you may well be pocketing some money when all is said and done.

Note: When it turns out that the actual cost of the new bike is much higher — and the amount you sell the old bike for is lower — than you expect, I highly recommend shrugging and blaming taxes, shipping, and the fees the online site charged. "Man, everyone wants a slice," you can say, resignedly.

This bike is the bike to end all bikes

I fully admit that this approach is dangerous, but desperate times call for desperate measures, as I think all of us who have ever had a carbon fiber jones can attest.

"I know I have a lot of bikes already," you should say (it's good to start with a true statement, because that fools people into thinking other things you say may also be true). "This one, though, is different. It fits me unlike any bike ever made. It will never break. It is both beautiful and functional. It weighs 2.3Kg, fully loaded."

Continue with, "This is the ultimate expression of a bicycle. I shall never need another."

Look her/him right in the eyes as you conclude, "Hey, it's not like I'm talking about buying a Ferrari here, but how often in my life will I have a chance to own something that is truly perfect?" (Note: Do not say this if you own a Ferrari.) Try to mist up a little as you say this. It adds impact.

Warning: Do not use this technique more than twice per year.

Elden Nelson blogs most weekdays as The Fat Cyclist, where he posts fake news, fake ideas, and delicious ways you can combine bananas, peanut butter, and mayonnaise.

This article found at Bikeradar

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