Life Observations in a nutshell: Best Bumper Stickers Part II

One of the most popular posts of this blog was my definitive list of favourite bumper stickers I did a while ago See Post. Since then I have come across some more treasures, many submitted by your good selves, dear readers. So thank you to all who have commented and sent me emails – here's to you all: part II of best bumper stickers:

On career and success:

• A bad day of fishing beats a good day of working.
• A bad day of golf beats a good day of working.
• A boss is like a diaper. Always on your ass and constantly full of crap.
• A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
• A sense of humour is the difference between ambition and achievement.
• Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.
• All I need is some peace and quiet. If I got a piece I'd be quiet!
• All stressed out and no one to choke.
• Always put the important before the merely urgent.
• Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.
• An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less.
• Another Deadline, Another Miracle!
• Behind every successful woman is herself.
• Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
• Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
• Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
• Even Jesus lived with his mother until he was 30.
• Everyone is entitled to my opinion
• Everyone makes mistakes, that why pencil have erasers
• Everything I know, I learnt by killing smart people and eating their brains.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• Hire teenagers while they still know everything!
• Honesty pays, but not enough
• Housework is evil, it must be stopped.
• I'll do anything for money, except work.
• I fight poverty, I work
• I have a drink problem - I can't afford it.
• I have yet to hear a MAN ask for advice on how to combine marriage and career.
• I love my boss, I love my job, I'm self employed
• I owe it all to my boss - Ulcers, nausea, paranoia...
• I respect your opinion. Just don't want to hear it!
• I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
• If all else fails .. lower your standards
• If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
• If at first you don't succeed, aim lower.
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you
• If crime fighters fight crime, and fire fighters fight fire, then what do freedom fighters fight?
• If first you don't succeed, suck and suck until you do succeed.
• If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
• It's an Honor to teach my Student at home
• It's hard to stumble when you're on your knees.
• It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere!
• It never fails! You start having fun, and they send in the lawyers.
• Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honour, make him pay cash.
• Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch!
• Money isn't everything. It simply isn't enough!
• MONEY TALKS! But all mine ever says is GOODBYE!
• Money wouldn't be so important if everybody didn't want some
• My daughter turned down your honour student!
• My job drives me to drink. If it wasn't for that, I'D QUIT!
• My job is secure. No one else wants it.
• My Job is to Comfort the Disturbed & Disturb the Comfortable
• My parents think I'm in college
• Never argue with an idiot, they drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
• Plunder globally. Manage media locally.
• Professionals are predictable. Amateurs are Dangerous!
• Question Authority before it Questions You!
• Rest assured that all your hard work and effort will go unnoticed.
• Sado-masochism means not having to say you're sorry.
• Some days it's just not worth gnawing through the straps
• Summa cum laude graduate, Darth Vader School of Personnel Management
• Support a lawyer. Become a doctor.
• Support bacteria! It's the only culture some people have.
• The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
• The urge to scream tells me I must be at work
• Well behaved women rarely make history.
• When all else fails, manipulate the data!
• Where there's a whip, there's a way.
• Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
• Work is for people who don't know how to golf.
• Work is for people who don't surf the net!
• Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.
• You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

On Government & Politics:

• A politician should do two terms - one in office and one in jail
• A Woman's Place is in the House... and Senate!
• An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.
• Annoy a liberal. Work hard and smile.
• Annoy a politician today. THINK!
• Balance the budget. Declare politicians as game and sell hunting stamps.
• Bomb Texas. They have oil!
• Born free. Taxed to death!
• Bush & Cheney - Kiss My Ashcroft !
• Can you think on your own, or do you need the media to think for you?
• Don't be stupid. We have politicians for that!
• Don't Re-Elect a Son of A Bush!
• Don't steal. The government hates competition!
• Empty the prisons - Make room for Congress.
• Fight organised crime. Abolish the IRS.
• Fighting for Peace is like f*cking for virginity
• Grow your own dope! Plant a politician!
• I'm Too Poor to Vote Republican
• I love my country, but I fear my government
• If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
• If Democrats and Republicans could read they would be Libertarians.
• If You're Not Outraged, You're Not Paying Attention
• Inside every small problem is a big one trying to get government funding.
• Is it too late to get the Russians to nuke Washington?
• The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected.
• Support Capitol Punishment, Flog a Politician Today!
• Satan for President - Why pick the lesser of two Evils?
• Re-elect Bush: I'm tired of waiting for the Apocalypse.
• Put politicians in their place – Landfills!
• Nothing political is correct.
• Ignore your rights and they'll go away!

On Religion:

• 10,000 Roman Lions can't be wrong... Christians just taste better!
• A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
• Agnostics can do anything if they have something to not believe in.
• Al-Hajj: God's version of Lollapalooza.
• All extremists should be shot.
• All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
• Allah gives and forgives, Man gets and forgets.
• Allah Protect Me From Your Followers.
• Answer my prayer -- steal this car.
• Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a face-lift.
• At Exxon, we help Jesus walk on water.
• Atheism cures Religious terrorism.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
• Atheists are Beyond Belief
• B.I.B.L.E.- Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.
• BRAISE THE LORD: 450 degrees for 90 minutes. Add Veggies. Season to Taste.
• Can't Make It To Church. Just Too Many Human Sacrifices To Perform. Sorry.
• Can't stop now. On my way to hell.
• Christians: can't live with them can't feed lions without them.
• Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
• Don’t spank me with your Bible belt.
• Eat a bible and pass the word
• Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die
• Evolution is both fact and theory. Creationism is neither.
• Evolutionists Do It With Increasing Complexity
• Faith is a powerful thing. It often shuts off the rational mind
• Faith Is Believing What You Know Ain't So. - Mark Twain
• Faith isn't faith, until its all your holding on to
• Fundamentalism stops a thinking mind
• Get a taste of Religion. Bite a Minister
• Hands that help are better than lips that pray.
• Have I found Jesus? don't tell me he is lost again!
• Having Abandoned My Search For Truth I Am Now Looking For A Good Fantasy
• Fast during Ramadan; not while you're driving.
• God created Man. And Man, being the gentleman he is, returned the favour.
• God loves you! And I'm really trying.
• Guilt, Fear, Mass Insanity -3 cheers for Christianity!
• Heaven is a lonely place. Everybody thinks they're the only one going
• Heaven won't take me and Hell is afraid I'll take over.
• I don't need a new religion. I haven't used up the Old one.
• I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
• If Christ is the answer, what was the question?
• If God didn't want people to have sex, They wouldn't have made it so much fun.
• If love of money is the root of all evil, why do churches want it?
• Ironic isn't it, that God gave the tortoise a drag factor of 0.03.
• It's God's job to forgive Bin Laden. It's our job to arrange the meeting.
• Jesus is my shepherd, Toto is my poodle.
• Jesus is returning... resistance is futile
• Jesus loves you, just not in that way.
• Jesus paid for our sins. Now let’s get our money’s worth!
• Jesus saves... But not on my salary!
• Jesus saves; Buddha recycles.
• Jesus to his followers upon his return: "You did WHAT in my name?!
• Jesus, don't leave earth without him.
• Life is short, pray hard
• Lord give me patience... But Hurry!
• Lord save me from your followers!
• Make love - not jihad!
• Marijuana ain't against my religion. People in the bible got stoned for everything.
• Please be patient. God's not through with me yet
• Profit from the Prophet!
• The Big Bang theory: And God said 'Pulleth my Finger'
• You can't love God unless God loves Himself.
• Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
• Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity.

On Science:

• 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
• Absolute zero is Cool.
• According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
• Amateur Rocket Scientist: My other vehicle is in orbit.
• Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• Celebrate Science & Humanity....Darwin Day!
• Constipated mathematicians have to work it out with a pencil.
• Gravity always gets me down.
• If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
• Neutrinos have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic!
• Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
• If space is a vacuum, who changes the bag?

 

On People:

• 0 to bitch in 3.6 seconds.
• 100,000 sperm and You were the fastest?
• 500,000 battered women and I'm still eating mine plain!
• 667 Neighbour of the Beast.
• 90% of people are made by accident.
• A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.
• A man is not truly drunk until he can't lie on the floor without holding on.
• A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you flash me.
• A synonym is a word you use if you can't spell the other one.
• A wise man sometimes changes his mind, a fool never does.
• All men are Animals, Some just make better Pets!
• A woman with a big fat ass should dump him
• And, whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
• Anyone who can see through a woman, is missing a lot!
• Are you always an idiot, or just when I'm around?
• Are you happy or are you married?
• Anyone who goes to see a psychiatrist, ought to have his head examined.
• Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?
• Are you stoned or just stupid?
• Arsonists of the world, ignite!
• Assassins do it from behind!
• Athletes love to score!
• Bad Cop!! No Do-nut!
• Book lovers never go to bed alone!
• Cleverly Disguised as a Responsible Adult.
• Clones are people two.
• Closet Extrovert.
• Coffee, chocolate, men. Some things are just better rich.
• Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
• Dead people are cool.
• Definition of a prostitute: Receiver of swollen goods.
• Do Not Disturb... Occupant is disturbed enough already
• Dyselxics have more fnu
• Dysfunctional family on board.
• Face it, girl, Prince Charming isn't coming. He's living with Mr. Right.
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• If men had periods, they'd brag about the size of their tampons.
• If they can send a man to the moon why can't they send them all?
• If women are from Venus, then why can't we send them back?
• Incontinence Hot-line... Can you hold, please?
• Keep grannies off the streets, support bingo.
• Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
• Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
• Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative
• Men. Give them an inch and they think they're a ruler.
• Minds are like parachutes, they function when open
• Normal people worry me
• People are more passionately opposed to wearing fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than bikers.
• Procrastinators Unite... Tomorrow!
• So many men, so few who can afford me!
• Support your local undertaker — drop dead.
• The lottery is a tax for people who are bad at math.
• The media are only as liberal as the conservative businesses that own them
• To a Cat, People are just Furniture that does Tricks.
• Untie Dexlysics!
• You are depriving some poor village of its Idiot

On Life:

• 24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
• A closed mind doesn't need drugs. It's already wasted
• A good day is when the shit hits the fan and I have time to duck.
• A man is as old as the woman he feels.
• Actions Speak Louder than Bumper-stickers.
• All The Arms We Need Are For Hugging.
• Always yield to temptation. It may never pass your way again.
• An erection does not constitute personal growth.
• Any book worth banning is a book worth reading.
• Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
• Avenge Yourself - Be a problem to your children.
• Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors ... and miss.
• Beauty is only a light switch away.
• Been There - Shit Happened.
• Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
• BEER: Helping the ugly get laid since... FOREVER!
• Beer: Teaching white people to dance since 1867.
• Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot
• Blessed be the censors, for they shall truly inhibit the earth.
• Blow your mind. Smoke gunpowder.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Common sense isn't very common.
• Control your destiny or someone else will.
• Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
• Dijon vu! - the same mustard as before.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• DIVORCE: The screwing you get for the screwing you got.
• Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more!
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• Don't hate yourself in the morning... Sleep till noon!
• Drugs cause amnesia...and other things I can't remember.
• Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
• Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
• Easier said than sung in Russian.
• Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
• Enlightenment is like a really good cheesecake but different.
• Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.
• Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.
• Feminism Is The Radical Idea That Women Are People.
• Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
• Get stoned - Drink liquid cement.
• Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.
• Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons.
• Growing old is inevitable. Growing up is optional.
• He who angers you, controls you!
• He who laughs last, thinks slowest!
• I'm a drunk, not an alcoholic. Alcoholics have to go to meetings.
• I'm a handy man, I'll screw anything.
• I can resist anything but temptation.
• I fart to make you smell better.
• I feel like a new man. Do you have one I could use?
• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
• I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
• I like kids, but I can never finish a whole one.
• I like your approach, let's see your departure
• I live in my own little world, but it's OK they know me here.
• I married my wife for her looks... But not the ones she's been giving me lately!
• I said for better or for worse, not forever!
• I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Implants?
• I'm not bald. It's a solar panel for a sex machine.
• I still miss my wife, but my aim is improving!
• I think therefore I'm dangerous
• I think, therefore I'm single.
• I think, therefore we have nothing in common.
• I tried sniffing Coke once. The ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
• I used to be a schizophrenic until they cured me, now I'm just lonely.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
• If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
• If I would like to hear from an ass-hole, I’d fart!
• If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
• If it's too loud, you're too old.
• If it's tourist season then why can't we shoot them?
• If it isn't broken, fix it until it is
• If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
• If only closed minds, came with closed mouths
• If reality wants to get in touch, it knows where I am.
• If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it WRONG!
• If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off!
• If you're rich, I'm single!
• If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
• If, a two letter word for futility.
• Indecision is the key to flexibility.
• Inflation is when the buck doesn't stop anywhere.
• Insanity is hereditary - you get it from your children.
• Instant idiot. Just add alcohol.
• Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
• Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
• It's a dog eat dog world... And I'm wearing milk-bone underwear!
• It's easier to fight for ones principles than to live up to them.
• Join the Army. Visit exotic places, meet interesting people, then kill them.
• Just when you think life's a bitch, it has puppies.
• Karmically challenged.
• Life is just like a straw - it SUCKS.
• Life is like a box of chocolates .. full of nuts!
• Life is sexually transmitted.
• Live fast, die young. Leave a good looking corpse.
• Live like James Bond, die like James Dean.
• Love is a 4-letter word.
• Love is free. It's diapers that are expensive
• Make love, not war; get married and do both!
• Make the world a better place. Kill a bigot.
• Men are proof that women can take a joke.
• Men exist because cats won't mow the lawn. Women exist because sheep can't cook. Neither of these things explain children.
• My girlfriend told me I needed to be more affectionate, so I got two more girlfriends.
• My inferiority complex is not as good as yours
• My Karma just ran over your Dogma.
• My other car bumper sticker is funny.
• My other wife is beautiful!
• My reality check bounced!
• My sexual preference is: Often
• Never fight ugly people—they have nothing to loose.
• Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
• Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
• OK, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
• Old skiers never die — They just go downhill.
• Piercing, schmiercing: I'm holding out for amputation.
• Pissing off the world one person at a time
• Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.
• Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
• Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
• Reality bites, and I have the teeth marks to prove it!
• Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
• Reality is an illusion caused by the lack of alcohol.
• Save Your Breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!
• Sex is a killer. Want to die happy?
• Sex is like pizza. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good!
• Sex on television can't hurt you, unless you fall off.
• Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
• Some days you're the Dog, and some days you're the Hydrant!
• Study art and logic. Learn to draw your own conclusions!
• Talk is Cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
• Teach. Don’t Preach.
• That which does not kill me pisses me off.
• The best things in life aren't things.
• The best way to get on your feet is to get off your ass!
• The Cat Philosophy of Life: If you can't Eat it or Shred it, then Sleep on it.
• The kids drive me crazy. I drive them everywhere!
• The male sex drive prevents extinction. The female sex drive prevents overpopulation.
• The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
• The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
• The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.
• The truth is out there. Trust no one. Deny everything.
• There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
• Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
• Warning! I know KARATE!! (and seven other Chinese words)
• Wars are not fought to decide who is right.. Only who is left.
• Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
• You're pro-life? That's fine. Now get one and stay out of mine!
• You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
• Zero to naked in 5.1 beers.

On Computers:

• Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
• C:Coffee.exe NOT FOUND <A>bort, <R>etry, <B>rew another pot?
• Computer Literacy? You mean my computer is supposed to be able to read?
• Computers are like the Old Testament God. Lots of rules and no mercy.
• Computers are vehicles for the mind. They drive you crazy!
• Computers aren't intelligent. They just think they are.
• Computers help us to do stupid things faster!
• Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.
• I Don't Do Windows.
• Get a life? I'm a gamer! I have lots of lives!
• Had a life. Traded it for a faster modem.
• I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.
• I think your hard drive has a slipped disk.
• My computer goes down on anybody.
• Remember when Windows were washed, mice were trapped, and UNIX guarded the harem?
• Techno-Pagan. I worship the holy Mother Board.
• The computer revolution is over: The computers won!
• To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer
• We are Microsoft. Resistance is Futile. You will be Assimilated.
• Only Jesus saves - we just make back-ups.

 

On Cars & Driving:

• Are you as close to Jesus as you are to my bumper?
• As a matter of fact, I do own the road.
• Back off! I'm not that kind of car.
• Believe in life after death? Mess with my car and you'll find out.
• Boldly going Nowhere!
• Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it!
• CAUTION! - Driver just doesn't give a shit anymore!
• CAUTION! - I brake for hookers
• CAUTION! - I brake for tailgaters
• CAUTION! - I drive just like you!
• Clear the road, I am SIXTEEN!
• Don't follow me. I'm lost too.
• Don't like my driving? Then QUIT watching me.
• Drive carefully, we need every taxpayer we can get.
• Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
• Drive it like you stole it!
• Driver carries only $20 in Ammunition!
• Follow your dreams, not me.
• How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
• I'm looking for the right pedestrian to run over.
• I may be slow but I'm ahead of you!
• If a woman wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.
• If ass-holes could fly, this place would be an airport
• If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane!
• If God is your Copilot - swap seats!
• If it has boobs or wheels it will give you a problem.
• If it has tires or testicles, it's going to be trouble.
• It's bad enough driving sober. Don't drive drunk
• It's time to pull over and change the air in your head!
• Objects in mirror may have flunked driver education
• Please do not honk. Driver trying to sleep.
• Speed kills. Drive a Chevy and live forever!
• This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven by a moron.

On Animals & the Environment:

• Boycott shampoo! Demand the real poo!
• Cats are children that you don't have to send to college.
• Cats are dogs with a college education.
• Cats don't want to own people. They prefer to lease with an option.
• Cats humour us because they know that their ancestors ate ours.
• Cats keep their claws sharp because they know that just a purr may not be enough.
• Cats make great pets -- out of their owners
• Cats make more sense than men
• Cats make more sense than women
• Dogs are like children that you don't have to send to college
• Dogs think men are gods. Cats are not so easily deluded.
• Eat a beaver. Save a tree.
• Eat beans, not beings
• Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs!
• I LIKE CATS! They taste just like chicken.
• I love defenceless animals, especially in gravy
• Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.
• My cat dislikes the term PET. It prefers FRIEND AND CONFIDANTE.
• Save a cow. Eat a vegetarian.
• Save the planet! Kill yourself!
• Strip mining prevents forest fires.
• Support wildlife, throw a party!

 

On Health & Fitness:

• Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day
• Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
• Fat people are harder to kidnap.
• Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• I AM in shape. Round is a shape.
• I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
• I hate plants.. That's why I became a vegetarian!
• I have a nice body, and its in my trunk.
• I may be fat but you’re ugly, and I can lose weight.
• If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
• If it isn't fattening, it isn't food!
• If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
• If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut?
• Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is!
• Safe sex is in the palm of your hand
• Smoking Cures Ham!

Comments

[Ben Paul]

Life is Like a Dog Competition... The Best Looking Ones are Normally Bitches!

[KlausinLA]

Quite an enjoyable list! I had to sift through tons of those one-liners as we were looking for quotes to use for our World Cup site. You certainly picked the better ones;-)
Thanks for sharing!!!

[AnonCoward]

God WAS my copilot - I had to eat him when our plane crashed.