Sometimes it really is that simple: key realisations about life, the universe and everything can be summarised in a poignant bumper sticker. Here are a list of my personal favourites:
On career and success:
- Keep on working, millions on welfare depend on you!
- I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!
- Excess is never too much in moderation.
- Lawyers have feelings too (allegedly).
- Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
- To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
- Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
- I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.
- Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.
- Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
- Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
- Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
- I R S: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
- Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
- It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
- All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
On Politics:
- Frodo failed. George Bush has the ring.
- If you can read this, you're not the president.
- The last time politics and religion were mixed, people were burned at the stake.
- Vote Democrat — it's easier than working!
- Vote Republican — it's easier than thinking!
- In America, anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
- Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a native American!
- Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
On Religion:
- If God is within, I hope he likes enchiladas!
- Jesus saves. He uses double coupons.
- Jesus loves you. But I'm his favorite.
- The meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
- Jesus loves you! Everybody else thinks you're a jerk.
- I found Jesus - he was behind the sofa all the time.
- Thank God I'm an atheist.
- The more you complain the longer God makes you live.
- As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
- If going to church makes you a Christian, does going into a garage make you a car?
On Science:
- The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.
- If it ain't broke, take it apart and fix it.
- Resistance is futile (if < 1 ohm).
- Does anal retentive have a hyphen?
- Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
- Gravity: It's not just a good idea. It's the law.
- Alcohol and calculus don't mix. DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE!
- Never believe generalisations.
- There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
On People:
- So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.
- Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
- The trouble with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.
- You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
- Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
- Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
- Is it time for your medication or mine?
- I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
- First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, closed.
- My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
- Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.
- Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils — people who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing.
- Dyslexics are teople poo.
- People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
- God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
On Philosophy:
- I don't think, therefore I am not.
- Don't believe everything you think.
- What would Gandalf do?
- I doubt, therefore I might be.
- I fish, therefore I lie.
- Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
On Life:
- Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
- I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
- Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
- Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
- Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
- On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path.
- Carpe Diem = Seize the day. Carp In Denim = Fish in pants.
- Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I got stuck.
- Visualize Whirled Peas
- Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
- Frankly, Scallop, I don't give a clam.
- A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
- The trouble with life is there's no background music.
- Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
- I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
- Allow me to introduce my selves.
- Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
- Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
- Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.
- I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
- I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
- If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
- First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
- Out of my mind - back in five minutes.
- I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?
- Constipation causes people not to give a crap.
- Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
- Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping.
- If you're happy and you know it see a shrink.
- Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
- If it isn't broken, fix it until it is.
On Computers:
- An Apple a day keeps Windows away.
- Double your drive space. Delete Windows.
- Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
- The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
- The box said Windows 2000 or better. So I installed Linux.
- Use the best: Linux for servers, Mac for graphics, Windows for Solitaire.
- The control key on the keyboard does not work.
- There's no place like 127.0.0.1
- How do I set a laser printer to stun?
- If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!
On Driving:
- Forget world peace; visualize using your turn signal.
- If you believe in telepathy, think about honking.
- If you can read this, I've lost the trailer!
- Stoplights timed for 30 mph are also timed for 60 mph.
- Follow that car, Godzilla - and step on it!
- Don’t bother honking or flashing your lights, I'm deaf and blind.
- (Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If you can read this, my wife fell off!
- Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
- Honk If you want to see my finger.
- If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
- Driver carries no cash. He's married.
- Watch out for the idiot behind me.
- Honk if you hate peace and quiet.
On the Environment:
- So many cats, so few recipes.
- Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl.
- I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.
- EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
On Health & Fitness:
- I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
- Rehab is for quitters.
- If you are what you eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
I'm a vegetarian - I eat anything that eats greens. - I said "no" to drugs, but they didn't listen.
- I have the body of a god. Buddha.
- Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.
- Say "NO" to drugs. That will bring the prices down.
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