Digital Digressions

How to Nurture Innovation

"Innovation has nothing to do with how many R&D dollars you have. When Apple came up with the Mac, IBM was spending at least 100 times more on R&D. It's not about money. It's about the people you have, how you're led, and how much you get it." -- Steve Jobs, Fortune, Nov. 9, 1998

Many companies claim to be at the cutting edge, batting around words like creativity, innovation and design like they are going out of fashion. The truth is that most big companies that sell a product (whether designed in-house or by a consultancy) are nothing but vast marketing organisations with design being talked about in terms of 'a differentiator' rather than the modus operandi. Very few companies actually have design and innovation at the core of their operations, let alone understand how to nurture innovation within the company. Below I would like to offer my opinion on what, is needed to nurture and foster innovation within an organisation rather than having it accidentally appear once never to be repeated. As Steve Jobs puts it - it's about people, what you do and how you do it rather than dollars.

1. Less Admin - More Action
   A while ago I wrote about a phenomenon I call I have Reportees Therefore I Am, which is as prevalent in the design industry as in businesses in general. It can be summarised as the trend towards rewarding people for how many people are beneath them (as reportees) as opposed to rewarding them for the quality of work they do. If the only way to get career progression is that you have to give up designing (programming, selling, [substitute word here]) to become a manager, then this is a spectacular way to lose talent in an organisation without a decrease in the payroll. Instead encourage people to become the best they can ever be in their field and have a few managers around too, but the number of managers should NEVER exceed the number of reportees in a team. I once ran into a designer at Volkswagen, who had been with the Company for about 20 years. He was a designer, but not just any designer - this guy knew more about cars and design than the rest of the design department put together. The company realised this and did not want to lose him under any circumstances, therefore they paid him more than the head of the entire design department and the guy above him. Why? Because he was the top of his game and his greatest skill was designing. Imagine what a loss had he had to become a manager to get a payrise?
2. Balance Thinking With Making
   The temptation of many companies is to split up the process of front-end concept development and innovation from the actual process of production. This is very dangerous. It means that the people at the front end gradually get more isolated from the daily reality of making things. It also means that those involved in production have no outlet for all the ideas they come up with. Last but not least, there is no greater satisfaction than getting to finish something you started, so handing projects over from Front-end to Production is like giving your child up for adoption. You need one to be good at the other and vice versa.
3. Make Meaning Not Just Money
   This point is paraphrasing something Guy Kawasaki puts so well in his book 'The Art of the Start and is also a central theme in the book Built to Last: Successful Habits of Visionary CompaniesInnovators are visionary people who are propelled by the notion of making the world a better place and in terms of pulling out all the stops to create something truly spectacular, this is infinitely more appealing than just meeting the bottom line. Bottomline is what enables us to be here, but the vision is what makes us surpass ourselves. Furthermore, designers and programmers in particular, but others too, enjoy their craft and a chance to surpass themselves and expectations is a great motivator. This point also comes with a stern warning: be careful what you reward in an organisation as picking the wrong indicators for performance can mean people taking shortcuts to produce substandard output, but looking good on paper. Remember that old story about nail production in the old U.S.S.R? As the story goes, the Central Committee agreed a new five year plan and part of this plan was the target for nail output each year, measured in Kilograms. What happened? At the end of the 5 years, a single nail was made, to the exact weight of the specified output.
4. Thinking Big AND Playing Safe Many companies fear the big ideas and concentrate on infinite incremental improvements to a mediocre product. The assumption is that big ideas make you vulnerable to risk and the way to do it is to play safe instead. The mistake here is the fact that these need not to be in conflict - the way to implement big ideas is to do them gradually, over time - but rather than simply think incremental improvements of existing products, think of the end result and work backwards. If this means splitting up the big idea into intermediary product launches, that is not a bad thing - it builds sales and gets you talking to your market sooner.
5. Diverse Teams
   Many people of identical profession in a room will not come up with as good idea as a team made up of individuals from diverse backgrounds and disciplines. Why? Because when you are with your peers you end up reverting to jargon, covering over familiar ground without really being challenged. When dealing with people from other disciplines you have to try much harder to explain things, and their questions, input and ideas will take the thinking in radically different ways - which is where innovation happens.

I'm sure that as I post this entry I shall be thinking of other points, but this at least makes for a stab into the full complexity of the subject. Again, your comments are much appreciated.

References:

Steve Jobs' Best Quotes

The Art of the Start

Built to Last: Successful Habits of Visionary Companies

Thinking Man's Dictionary

My motley collection of Bumper stickers have got a lot of attention recently and what's even cooler is that people from across the world have been supplementing the list with their own personal favourites - making this a most exhaustive list indeed. Check them out here. As I remain on my everlasting quest to try to decipher what might appeal to you, the audience: If you liked the bumper stickers - you will certainly find huge satisfaction in the Thinking Man's Dictionary compiled by Kevin Solway - a work of great wit and insight. Below are some of my favourites, courtesy of the aforementioned list:

Advertising: (1) the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket. (2) the art of making whole lies out of half truths.

Art, abstract: a product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered.

Common-sense: the reason so many people can be wrong at the same time.

Conversation: a vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.

Diplomacy: (1) the art of letting someone have your way. (2) the patriotic art of lying for one's country.

Ignoramus: someone who doesn't know something that you learned yesterday.

Logic: the art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and in-capacities of the human misunderstanding.

Poet: someone who is astonished by everything.

X: in the algebra of psychology "x" stands for Woman's mind.

Zoo: (1) a place which prevents people from getting at the animals. (2) an excellent place to study the habits of human beings.

If someone paid you loads of money to do a really boring job, would you do it?

Someone asked me this question the other day. A great discussion starter as it pits two parts of career satisfaction against each other: the need to earn a living versus the need to be mentally stimulated. Many people would agree with me that the ideal would be a meaningful combination of the two, yet when faced with the prospect of only one of the two, we have a dilemma.

As life has it, we all need some form of income to survive, so not having one is not really an option. Our culture has also shifted to measuring success by amount of wealth acquired, and signalling this achievement through the objects one owns. These are all thrown in our face on a daily basis by richer individuals so it is easy to think: ‘if I only had more money I would be happier’. However what nobody tells you is that money doesn’t breed contentment and neither does poverty so obviously there is a balance to be reached. However, the enemy of greed is contentment so how to be contented?

There are three routes to contentment and while I believe that one can aim for one route only, greater satisfaction or contentment can be achieved by addressing a combination of the three routes. These are:

1. Wealth
2. Altruism
3. Creativity

The blessings of wealth are easy to imagine and we can all think of things we would do if we had just a little bit more money. However, the happiness derived from acquiring objects is short-lived and opens us up to desiring more, very soon.

Altruism is another avenue and I would argue that anyone involved in the caring professions, medicine, charity work, social services or even volunteer work are partially or entirely motivated by this. Altruism gives you the opportunity to create meaning in your life by being meaningful to someone else. This is something we all long for, but mostly we tend to settle for just being there for our loved ones, extending a helping hand to a stranger seems odd, if not even outright scary in our modern, safety-obsessed world.

Lastly, I mention creativity. Everyone gets given a box of crayons in kindergarten, yet some of us go off into making creativity the heart of our professional life. Many assume creativity means painting pretty pictures and being artistic, but creativity takes many forms - one frequently quoted is the ability to problem-solve. The satisfaction of solving a difficult problem, regardless of what profession you are in, is you manifesting your creativity and deriving satisfaction from it.

So if someone paid me loads of money to do a really boring job, would I do it? I can’t say yes or no for sure, but I would find out what the job was, how much I would get paid and how much of my time it would take up, and for how long I needed to do it, before moving on. Why? Well, it is foolish to think that our day jobs will be able to single-handedly satisfy all the needs of stimulation we need, all the time, without fail. No doubt it is a benefit to be able to have as many of the things that you really enjoy (learning, variation, creativity, social interaction, responsibility, challenges, great salary etc.) in your day job, but it is just as important to understand what those needs are that you have and make alternate plans if you aren’t getting what you need from work. If you end up having a dull job, don’t just settle for that and spend your life feeling depressed and undervalued. Take time to understand what it is that you need in your life to be stimulated, contented and continuously developing and make sure you have those elements as part of your spare time instead. That way you can put up with a boring job and still be happy.

Things I Wish I Knew When Starting a Blog

Busy cleaning up blog last couple of days, now trying to be semi-organised with URLs and the like and finding to my dismay that the tidy URL I had settled for means losing the numerous links to other sites that have grown over the last year. This extended exposure to blog software has got me thinking though about all the things I wish I knew when I started this venture, almost a year ago now. Things would have been so much easier, I’m sure. Here goes:

1. What’s Your Subject Many people who blog end up visiting these sites that supposedly give you the top tips of how to become a successful blogger. All of them tell you that what you absolutely need to do is settle for a topic, which is original and different and that has a clear target audience. Examples include the Porsche blog, the Azalea blog and the like. However, if you, like me are curious about most things, the notion of settling down to write about one topic and one topic alone is enough to make you wonder whether you could do it for more than 5 days. Never mind what you are passionate about, I would argue that faced with the prospect of having to write something about it consistently every day for a year is enough to make you lose interest in the topic altogether.
2. Who’s Your Audience The more time I spend on the net the more I begin to suspect that there are three reasons people surf the web: news, titillation (if you are a bloke) and humour. This statement doesn’t take into account all the time we spend on-line searching for nifty applications that can convert our wmas to mp3s or do some other menial task that we wouldn't have even considered before we all got suckered into this whole computer-thing. Why did I mention those 3 topics? Well, unless your blog material covers one or several of those topics, chances are that you will have to work that much harder to find your audience.
3. Publicising Your Blog How to grow the audience for your blog? Unless you are a super-famous author or celebrity, chances are people will not be typing your name or the name of your creation in a Google search box anytime soon. Shame, because what that means is that you will not only have to do all the hard work of being witty and entertaining in your posts, but you also have to engage in shameless self-promotion. Some sites claim that all you need to do is start sending pings to various sites that track blogs, but this is not the complete picture. You also have to get a deer-stalker hat a la Sherlock Holmes and start stalking blogs and forums, posting links to your site whenever and wherever there is a fleeting chance you could drive some traffic to it.
4. Obsessing about Visitor Numbers Sooner or later you begin to wonder if anyone at all is reading your blog. A few supporting comments here and there lift your spirits, but you need more fuel to make you write every day (as this apparently what you are supposed to do to encourage people to come back for more). So what to do? You sign up with some nifty visitor tracking site and install a bit of stealthy code on your site to keep track of which pages are the most popular and how many people, from which countries, come visit you regularly. Chances are you begin to get some elementary insights to the people reading your ramblings and you realise that many of the posts you thought were your finest moments of prose, are in fact the ones least read, or visited. How could this be? Maybe the posts are too long, not of interest to the visitors or maybe you just haven’t been shameless enough about promoting your posts? Needless to say, this you will never know for sure, but sooner or later you may very easily fall in the trap of beginning to experiment with topics simply to see the change in visitor numbers.
5. Getting ‘Trolled’ So you get people visiting. And leaving comments. The Zen of blog ownership is close. Until you discover that you really should have turned on authorisation for comments posted, as some nitwit leaves links all over your site for porn sites involving animals, children, vegetables and the like. Or, you get some humourless individual dissing you on the sites where you have so meticulously tried to promote your blog. In both cases, this stuff takes it’s toll, and you have to get used to it. These killjoys are out there and they like nothing more than raining on your parade.
6. Quoting people All of us have got it wrong sometime. Some authors don’t mind you quoting them with credits and link back to their site – whereas others prefer you simply link back to them. Beware of critical comments to someone else’s posting though, as sometimes even when you haven’t intended it, people get the wrong end of the stick.
7. Web Addresses and More Blog tip sites frequently tell you that your should have the name of your blog in the URL (web address) of your blog and the tidier the URL, the more serious a blogger you will appear. However, when you are just starting you are often not sure whether you want to do this blogging thing, so chances are you sign up with some free blogging service or an on-line blog-provider. The downside is that unless you want to go through the rigmarole of registering a URL and engaging with some domain mapping and a more advance subscription to the blog service, you will have to put up with the (often) lengthy web addresses you get given by the blog provider. Organising things in retrospect are also a possibility, but often entail losing links and TrackBacks that people have submitted and of course, especially time consuming if you have 100 or more posts. I just started afresh the other day, deleting all but 20 of the most recent posts. My fans will hate me now.
8. In for the Long Haul So having slowly figured out the answers to all the things above, I’m not sure I would have embarked on this (blog) journey, had I known all this in advance. My laziness would have probably got the better of me, but in hindsight I have been learning all along and of course know now much more than I did a year ago when I started. People will no doubt tell me that I shouldn't use the blog thing as a shameless vehicle for learning, but hey, what better motivator is there to make you condense your thoughts down to something vaguely relevant and digestible, than blogs?

What I Should Have Said

The French call it l'esprit d'escalier, "the wit of the staircase," those biting ripostes that are thought of just seconds too late, on the way out of the room—or even, to tell the truth, days later. It's happened to you: you've suddenly thought of just what would put your foe in his or her place, but past the time when the arrow could sting its victim. You've stewed in your own juice ever since, and the chance for singeing repartee is gone forever.

Or is it?

What happened: I was on my way to university but, me being a student, I had awoken pretty late and didn't have time to make myself look beautiful or to have breakfast. I made a slight detour on the way to buy a sausage roll. This detour involved walking through the park where i encountered a homeless person sitting on a bench. My hair, not being gelled, was all over the place and when I made eye contact with the tramp he said with a sarcastic slew, "Nice hair love!"

What I said: I gave him a wry smile and carried on my way.

What I SHOULD have said: "Nice house mate"

Shit Happens - or the Art of Caring Less

Sometimes there are just days when you wake up and realise that the headache you have been having recently is due to the fact that you worry too much about stuff that you can't do anything about. The best thing is to drift more and care less and face up to the fact that sometimes shit just happens. Here's how a number of world religions and political movements state that fact:

TAOISM:  Shit happens.

CONFUCIANISM:  Confucius say, "Shit happens".

ZEN:  (What is the sound of shit happening?)

JESUIT-ISM:  If shit happens and when nobody is watching, is it really shit?

ISLAM:  Shit happens if it is the will of Allah.

COMMUNISM: Equal shit happens to all people.

CATHOLICISM:  Shit happens because you are bad.

PSYCHOANALYSIS:  Shit happens because of your toilet training.

SCIENTOLOGY:  Shit happens if you're on our shit list.

ZOROASTRIANISM: Bad shit happens, and good shit happens.

UNITARIANISM: Maybe shit happens.  Let's have coffee and donuts.

RIGHT-WING PROTESTANTISM:  Let this shit happen to someone else.

JUDAISM:  Why does shit always happen to US?

REFORM JUDAISM:  Got any Kaopectate?

MYSTICISM:  What weird shit!

AGNOSTICISM:  What is this shit?

ATHEISM:  I don't believe this shit!

NIHILISM:  Who needs this shit?

AZTEC:  Cut out this shit!

QUAKER:  Let's not fight over this shit.

FORTEANISM:  No shit??

12-STEP: I am powerless to cut the shit.

VOODOO:  Hey, that shit looks just like you!

NEW-AGE:  Visualise shit not happening.

DEISM:  Shit just happens.

EXISTENTIALISM:  Shit doesn't happen; shit is.

SECULAR HUMANISM:  Shit evolves.

CHRISTIAN SCIENCE:  Shit is in your mind.

BUDDHISM:  Shit happens, but pay no mind.

SHINTOISM: Shit is everywhere.

HINDUISM:  This shit has happened before.

WICCA:  Mix this shit together and make it happen!

HASIDISM:  Shit never happens the same way twice.

THEOSOPHY:  You don't know half of the shit that happens.

DIANETICS:  Your mother gave you shit before your were born.

SEVENTH DAY ADVENTIST:  No shit on Saturdays.

Jehovah's WITNESSES:  No shit happens until Armageddon.

MOONIES:  Only happy shit really happens.

HOPI:  Corn fertiliser happens.

BAHA'I: It's all the same shit.

STOICISM:  This shit is good for me.

OBJECTIVISM:  Our shit is good for you.

EST:  If my shit bothers you, that's your fault.

REAGANISM:  Don't move; the shit will trickle down.

FASCISM:  Shit makes the trains run on time.

CARGO CULT:  A barge will come and take all the shit away.

EMACS:  Hold down Control-Meta-Shit.

DISCORDIANISM:  Some funny shit happened to me today.

RASTAFARIANISM:  Let's smoke this shit.

CHARISMATIC: This is not shit and it doesn't smell bad.

MASONIC: Shit happens, but we can't discuss it during Lodge.

RED CROSS: Shit happens - send money.

Someone sent us a request to remove his own religion from the list, as a matter of "respect".  Here's how RMS replied:

I wrote this version of the list (adding to earlier versions that circulated on the net).  I am not going to make the change you request.

My own view on the issue of religion, Atheism, is made fun of in this list.  The religion of my ancestors is also included.  Even the Church of Emacs is included. You may think your religion
deserves more respect than others, but I don't.  No one is entitled to that kind of "respect".

So this item will remain in the list.

Disclaimer

The joke on this page was obtained from the FSF's email archives of the GNU Project.
The Free Software Foundation claims no copyrights on this joke.

Why NOT to Blog?

Building on my post from yesterday about breaking with routine to do something different and out of the ordinary and hence change our perception of time - I decided yesterday to undertake the challenge of trying to solve a Rubik's cube. By now, having got so close about three times and then screwing it up completely and getting very grumpy, I can safely say that trying to solve a Rubik's cube until about eleven o'clock in the evening is not a healthy way to relax. My dreams did not, counter to what you might think, contain numerous Rubik's cubes, but the act of twisting things did feature in the most unusual places in my dreams last night.
    Anyway, as the Internet claims to have an answer to everything I decided to test out WikiHow - the companion to the famous WikiPedia, an on-line free encyclopedia. The purpose of WikiHow is to be how-to manual anyone can write and edit. Therefore, as I write a blog I decided to find out how to dissuade myself from becoming a blogger (which I already am, so there you go - too late)

Steps

1. Find five completely random blogs, and read them daily for a month. After thirty days, you will absolutely dread your self-imposed requirement to read all that dreck. Any blog you create will most likely be on par with what you've been reading. Don't put anyone through that.
2. Consider that your voice, even if it is truly a good one, is a tiny peep against the massive wave of tripe out there. The odds of anyone you don't already know finding your blog are low.
3. Write on a regular basis in Wordpad instead. If that doesn't satisfy your urge, and you feel that you must post your blog online, then you might just be craving attention and validation--which you'll never truly find in a blog. If you give up on your Wordpad journal after about three days, you'll do the same with a blog. That just takes up server space.
4. Ask yourself if you really have the time to commit to a blog. What about that treehouse you wanted to build? Or the book you wanted to write? Or the car you wanted to fix up? Or the restaurant you wanted to take your wife to? Or the new career you wanted to pursue? Instead of writing about pretty much nothing, or whining about all the things you wish you were doing instead, start doing something that'd actually be worth writing about. And if it's really worth writing about, you'll be having too much fun doing it to tear yourself away from it.

 

Tips

• If attention and validation is what you're looking for, know that you will get neither from blogging. As above, very few people will ever know that your blog (or you, by proxy) exists. Of those who do find it, a large percentage will be flamers and trolls, who will only post comments to you about how you suck. The remainder of comments posted to your blog will be sappy treacle, which you won't trust as being sincere anyway.

Warnings

• The information you post on the Internet is likely to linger for years and years to come, as web pages are archived by "snapshot" services like the Wayback Machine. Once it's out there, you can't take it back. An employer running a Google search on your name years down the line might be turned off by your now documented obsession with your cat.

So I have been told - I will not get your attention and validation by writing this tripe so why am I doing it? Hmm, good question? Boredom perhaps?

Our Perception of Time

It's a dreary Wednesday today, looks like a throwback to Autumn if you ask me - raining, miserable - no sight of spring. Yet weeks have been passing far too quickly recently and I have often wondered why it is that the older we get, the faster time seems to pass. Wonder no more, as my question was answered last night in an excellent documentary on Time currently running on BBC 4 here in the UK, hosted by Theoretical Physicist Dr. Michio Kaku. He explains that our perception of time is intimately linked with our experiences. For instance, our working life can very easily fall into a scenario where most days blend into each other, we get up, get ready, travel to work, are at work, come home and have dinner. In other words days begin to increasingly resemble each other, because the number of new experiences goes down. This makes us also feel like time is passing very quickly. On the other hand, when we are children everything is new, there is the first Christmas, the first beach holiday, learning to ride a bike etc. and our lives are filled with relatively greater number of new experiences and hence we feel like time goes very slowly.
    The irony is of course that the older we get, the more we will have experienced, which means the harder it is for us to have entirely new experiences. But having them makes the perception of time slow down. Therefore being in a deathly routine at the moment, I have decided to start doing odd things - an odd thing a day will hopefully make each day more memorable and hence make my perception of time slow down too. 

The thing is, when you feel like time is just rushing past, days are over so quickly you struggle to have a sense of control of the situation - life can get very frustrating. It feels more like you are in a whirl-wind of life, being pushed around by things happening rather than you having control of what is happening. Some people will rush in to remind us that we in fact have very little control of what happens anyway and having control is an illusion, but perhaps that illusion is a useful one. One that keeps us from sinking into depression and hopelessness - one that is always boosted when we achieve something practical and can say 'I did this today'.

Catalysts: Or the reluctance of giving and receiving orders

I have a problem, or several - depends how much time you have. This one in particular stems from the fact that in business, people like to put you in a box. On one hand, that's how companies function and haven't figured out a way to do it other than a command-and-control approach relying on the fact that people need to first be in boxes and then told what to do.
    What makes this difficult is that on the other hand, markets, opportunities and development in general is moving at an ever increasing pace, where the old command-and-control needs to give way to a new kind of 'hive-mind', where people spontaneously re-organise themselves to deal with a particular problem or exploit a new opportunity. Doing things the old way, by boxes and waiting for orders from the top is simply too slow to react to many things. But how else to do it?
    On one hand, values are what bring people together better and more efficiently than boxes. Breaking down boxes also create room to deal with previously unforeseen situations - it puts emphasis on people's knowledge and experience, more than restrictive 'roles and responsibilities' the modus operandi becomes the potential to outgrow those roles than merely sticking to them blinkering oneself to things going on nearby. It is an approach which encourages knowing what is wrong with any given product or situation, but equally, taking the view that one has power to find solutions and not being discouraged when the solutions produce unexpected results.
    There used to be a clear division between people who give orders and those who receive them. There is a third group, previously rarely recognised, but a crucial component in making the 'hive-mind' work and those are the intermediaries. Intermediaries are catalysts who can achieve more than their own personal talents permit. The idea of catalysis gives intermediaries a new status. Previously, they were mere links or hyphens, supplying needs felt by others. As catalysts, by contrast, they have an independent existence or purpose: they can create new situations and transform people's lives by bringing them together, without having any arrogant pretensions themselves. To be a catalyst is the ambition most appropriate for those who see the world as being in constant change, and who, without thinking they can control it, wish to influence its direction.
    Most advances in science have been the result of intermediaries venturing beyond the boundaries or the paradigms of their disciplines, uniting insights which come from different kingdoms of knowledge. Designers, regularly need to combine insights, advances in technology and opportunities and experiences to create new product innovation. Musicians have probably been the most important intermediaries of the emotions, bringing together people whom mere words divide.
    Archimedes, of Syracuse (287-212 BC) once famously said, after inventing the lever, "Give me a place to stand on and I could move the earth'. Intermediaries follow that principle: the way for the weak to move the strong is not by force but by modifying their relationship, changing the angle of approach. When the Romans invaded Sicily, and a a soldier entered Archimedes' house to arrest him, the mathematician asked him to wait while he finished solving a problem: the soldier was impatient and ran a sword through him. The trouble with the method of intermediaries is that is requires a great deal of patience and, above all, an ability to cope with fear.

Life Observations in a nutshell: Best bumper stickers

Sometimes it really is that simple: key realisations about life, the universe and everything can be summarised in a poignant bumper sticker. Here are a list of my personal favourites:

On career and success:

• Keep on working, millions on welfare depend on you!
• I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!
• Excess is never too much in moderation.
• Lawyers have feelings too (allegedly).
• Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
• To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
• Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
• I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.
• Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.
• Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
• Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
• Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
• I R S: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
• Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
• It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
• All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

    
On Politics:

• Frodo failed. George Bush has the ring.
• If you can read this, you're not the president.
• The last time politics and religion were mixed, people were burned at the stake.
• Vote Democrat — it's easier than working!
• Vote Republican — it's easier than thinking!
• In America, anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
• Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a native American!
• Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

On Religion:

• If God is within, I hope he likes enchiladas!
• Jesus saves. He uses double coupons.
• Jesus loves you. But I'm his favorite.
• The meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
• Jesus loves you! Everybody else thinks you're a jerk.
• I found Jesus - he was behind the sofa all the time.
• Thank God I'm an atheist.
• The more you complain the longer God makes you live.
• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
• If going to church makes you a Christian, does going into a garage make you a car?

On Science:

• The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.
• If it ain't broke, take it apart and fix it.
• Resistance is futile (if < 1 ohm).
• Does anal retentive have a hyphen?
• Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
• Gravity: It's not just a good idea. It's the law.
• Alcohol and calculus don't mix. DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE!
• Never believe generalisations.
• There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and  those who don't.

   
On People:

• So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.
• Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
• The trouble with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.
• You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
• Is it time for your medication or mine?
• I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
• First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, closed.
• My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
• Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
• Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.
• Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils — people who shouldn't   drink with people who shouldn't sing.
• Dyslexics are teople poo.
• People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
• God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.

    
On Philosophy:

• I don't think, therefore I am not.
• Don't believe everything you think.
• What would Gandalf do?
• I doubt, therefore I might be.
• I fish, therefore I lie.
• Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

    
On Life:

• Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
• Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
• Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
• Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
• On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path.
• Carpe Diem = Seize the day. Carp In Denim = Fish in pants.
• Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I got stuck.
• Visualize Whirled Peas
• Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
• Frankly, Scallop, I don't give a clam.
• A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
• The trouble with life is there's no background music.
• Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
• I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
• Allow me to introduce my selves.
• Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
• Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
• Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.
• I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
• I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
• If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
• First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
• Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
• Out of my mind - back in five minutes.
• I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?
• Constipation causes people not to give a crap.
• Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
• Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping.
• If you're happy and you know it see a shrink.
• Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
• I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
• If it isn't broken, fix it until it is.

      
On Computers:

• An Apple a day keeps Windows away.
• Double your drive space. Delete Windows.
• Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
• The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
• The box said Windows 2000 or better. So I installed Linux.
• Use the best: Linux for servers, Mac for graphics, Windows for Solitaire.
• The control key on the keyboard does not work.
• There's no place like 127.0.0.1
• How do I set a laser printer to stun?
• If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!

   
On Driving:    

• Forget world peace; visualize using your turn signal.
• If you believe in telepathy, think about honking.
• If you can read this, I've lost the trailer!
• Stoplights timed for 30 mph are also timed for 60 mph.
• Follow that car, Godzilla - and step on it!
• Don’t bother honking or flashing your lights, I'm deaf and blind.
• (Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If you can read this, my wife fell off!
• Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
• Honk If you want to see my finger.
• If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
• Driver carries no cash. He's married.
• Watch out for the idiot behind me.
• Honk if you hate peace and quiet.

    
On the Environment:     

• So many cats, so few recipes.
• Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl.
• I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.
• EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

    
On Health & Fitness:

• I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
• Rehab is for quitters.
• If you are what you eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
• I'm a vegetarian - I eat anything that eats greens.
• I said "no" to drugs, but they didn't listen.
• I have the body of a god. Buddha.
• Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.
• Say "NO" to drugs. That will bring the prices down.